Given the saftey issues with traveling to a country like this it soothes my damm I haven't done that yet. I haven't given up but now there is another good reason besides money why I can't go yet.

going back on meds. I think. My doctor wants me to be on the meds for at least a year. A year is a long time. i think i need help. I talking about it isn't really helping now. I am breathing far calmness, going to sleep with relaxtion music. cut out all but chocolate and tea for sources of caffine. i am using affermations like "I am safe at work" I am respected by my co-workers" "I am Happy" "I am so blessed". Zanex for now, maybe an anti-depressant soon. Sigh, I hate this. I hate how many people tell me just stop being so negitive, you have an additude problem, and they seem frustrated with me for being this way. I am scared of the worl and trust no one. It comes in waves, cause when I have things under control I can be normal. but what ever little thing sets me off bamb the world is not safe again and i become a defensive monster. I force myself to smile to try and get some change. but i still sound harsh, things I am saying come out mean some how i do not feel mean, or bad about who I am talking to but I can see I am being mean by the way they react. I do not have any friends at work now, I have burnt all my bridges with out knowing it. But i have to work, sick in the head or not. no one wants to be around me. I am not sure If I was less aware of how I affected others or if things are just that much worse this time.
I am the only one who can change this, I do not think I am a victim. I just can't seem to get this under control.

MyHeritage: Family trees - Genealogy - Celebrities - Collage - Morph

MyHeritage: Family trees - Genealogy - Celebrities - Collage - Morph

Nothing has happened but everything has changed.
It was one night of talking on the phone.
The next day when he brushed me it was electric. I love that feeling. i feel stupid reading into it thinking it means something.
I am going to enjoy it.
Why not?
I feel happy today.

i was born into i didn't enlist I was drafted.

This year has been terrible for my body. I went the wrong direction. I am planning and plotting my new course. This is not it.

I realized last night how almost all my interactions with Kasey were positive. My relationship bank was super full thats why it was so hard to get over him. He knows how to be a good Boyfriend. I hope I have learned to be a better girlfriend. It has been almost a year since he first dumped me. I still miss him. That was real, for me anyway.

2-16-09 Yeah, I'm waiting for
Todd to get here to move it in

Val Emmich
No more

This endless cycle
Start over again
Just like a bicycle
You never really forgot
Just get on the seat
And move your feet
And gradually
Pick up speed
Then just when you think
You're safe and sound
You hit a bump
Fall to the ground

I'm talking about love
I'm talking about life
That's the way I see it
I never really get it right

But after I fall I see it all
Just when and where
I dropped the ball
So next time around I'll hold on tight
But this time
It's another oversight

Lying on my back
I don't wanna get up
There's something peaceful about
Just giving up
No more ups and downs
It's just too much
No more hard goodbyes
No more love
And no more
Trying to be tough

No more

I'm not getting up
i'm not getting up
This time I'm really stuck
I'm not getting up

you know he's a recovering alcholic?
Where did he drink?
At my house when I thought he was out smoking.
You mean he keeps the alchohl in his truck.
no it's probably in my recycle bin at home.
i have trouble beliveing that

Weird
Sureal

I was shocked to think they would think I'd drink in front of my son.
I am not scared away. I think. Maybe a little.

i didn't know he had any thing to drink toight.
I asked him once about the empty cans in my gabage. no big deal to me.

Went to a haunted house with an old friend I haven't seen in years. It is so nice to see old friends reconect. That makes things ok. finding strength and peace in a lasting love. I am blessed.

I am worried about so many things my screw ups are showing the more I try and do the finishing work. sad, heart breaking and frustrating.Some mistakes compound as time goes on. Thank God for my job. enough of a distraction that and long enough that I can sleep at the end of the day. Nothing to do but just keep going on. The POD leaves today. I give Kasey back his card.